2012 and other disasters (Spoiler Warning!)

About 2 hours into 2012, John Cusack and his companions have escaped the land crumbling beneath their feet, collapsing high rises, the land crumbling beneath their car, a massive volcano eruption, and the land crumbling beneath their airplane at take-off. They're on their way to Tibet, where a fleet of arks has been built to save select humans and animals from the enormous tidal waves that will follow the earthquakes (How enormous? There's a reason the ships are up there in Tibet). The group needs to land mid-way between the US mainland and China to refuel their plane, but unfortunately they find Hawaii covered in lava. What can our heroes do now? Surely they're doomed to a watery death in the middle of the Pacific.
When they emerge from the Hawaiian volcano smoke, they find land below them! The earth's crust has shifted so drastically that all of China has moved thousands of kilometers east and is now directly underneath the airplane. Miraculously, this shift took place without any accompanying earthquakes in Tibet, meaning the arks are perfectly safe and habitable.
Implausible, certainly, but then looking for plausibility in a Roland Emmerich film is like seeking veal steak in Pushkar. Remember the director's 1996 hit, Independence Day, where the evil alien mothership is destroyed after Jeff Goldblum infects it with a virus? Goldblum flies to the ship, connects to its main computer, and somehow transfers the virus from his Mac laptop to the alien operating system without any compatibility issues hindering the operation.
Independence Day was inspired by H.G.Wells' War of the Worlds, but used a cyber virus to destroy the aliens instead of a real infection. A few years later, Steven Spielberg adapted the novel with Tom Cruise in the lead role. Spielberg's War of the Worlds is about a father trying to reconnect with his young daughter and rebellious son while surviving a catastrophe that threatens the planet. 2012 is also about a father trying to reconnect with his young daughter and rebellious son while surviving a catastrophe that threatens the planet. Hollywood loves stories about fathers trying to reconnect with children, and it loves catastrophes that threaten the planet.
The original War of the Worlds had a simple plot: aliens invade and kill lots of people, before being destroyed by earthly infections to which they have no resistance. Spielberg added a variation: the aliens have buried giant machines inside the earth thousands of years earlier, and only need to man these craft in the present age. This created a logical problem: if the aliens had visited earth previously, they must've learned about those deadly bacteria. Why, then, did they return without first finding a vaccine or remedy?
Moral of the story: in making a blockbuster, if you have a choice between plausibility and some cool special effects, go with the cool special effects.

What's Your Raa-cheeee?!

The writers and makers of this film do not profess any belief in or knowledge of Astrology.
This is the opening line of WYR and by the end of this 3 hour 21 minute train wreck of a movie, you feel they should have added 'Film Making' to the disclaimer as well.
It's my serious recommendation to people who are suffering from depression to not watch this film as it might drive them to commit suicide coz let's face it this movie leaves you with no hope!

REVIEW:-

Right so the movie starts to piss you off from the moment the credits start to roll. The title track is supposed to be this cool jazzy track, with lots of sax and trumpet and piano, which then goes onto be butchered by Sohail Sen's (son of Sameer Sen) vocals. Dude seriously... I don't know jack about music making but to sing 7 of the 13 songs in the movie is a bit much eh?! I guess it's also doesn't help that Harman Baweja is trying to do this cutesy, goofy, I-don't-know-what act while the opening credits are on.

So the retarded plot line goes something like this - There's an old fart living in the gaon who wants to bequeath his entire property and jayadaad etc to his grandson provided he gets married. Said grandson Yogesh (Harman Baweja) is living the life in Chicago where (in the span of about 100 seconds) he awakens from his sleep as a student, then goes to college, followed by becoming some kind of corporate honcho in a snazzy suit and then my favorite part, DJing in the nightclub. Talk about a full plate...

Anyway Yogesh's elder brother is in some financial shit and owes big bucks to some moneylender and bhai types. Yogesh has to marry by the 20th of the month because so freakin astro janamkundli crap said so. Upon which he will get the Grandpa's wealth and bail the family out of its financial woes. One night he can't sleep and so picks a book called Whats Your Rashee which talks about how there are 12 (?!) different kinds of women.

OK I have to break off and apologise at this point... I'm sorry I can't write any more bout this film's "story". Because that means that I have to skim-watch it again and I just do not have the stomach for it. So I'll end the description of the "story" quickly.

Yogesh meets 12 different chicks from the different rashees and they all look like Priyanka Chopra. So who does he end up marrying?? The one that looks like Priyanka Chopra. No I'm not being flippant coz by the time the great reveal happens at the end, you are past caring... past hope...

Harman Baweja needs some serious acting lessons and if he's already taken some, then his instructor needs to be taken out back and shot. Repeatedly. Like the Bear Jew doing a face shred on Hitler. Or failing that this is also an acceptable option. Yes yes, I'm a fan of the man's work.
Anyway back to Harman, dude... if you wanna make it in this industry you gotta work loads on your acting. And that voice. Oh. My. God. I've had more pleasant feelings when someone dropped a brick on my privates (true story btw... and yes the family jewels are quite alright thank you).
OK that's too harsh or maybe not. There was another squeeky voiced kinda effiminate actor whose debut movie I had the misfortune of watching back in '92. And I honestly believed then, that me being in a threesome would happen sooner than him ever making it in this industry. Now Harman, you have a ways to go before you get to where Saif Ali Khan is today but to that man's credit he put it the effort to improve his voice, his acting and his physique. Shows what results good honest effort will produce.
Sigh... still waiting on that threesome in the meantime...

Now I really like Priyanka Chopra and believe she is truly the best actress from her contemporaries. She came out shining like a diamond because the rest of the production around her was soooo bad. That's not to say she wasn't guilty of some overacting herself but in the context of the whole film... what's that Hindi muhavra... Kamal in the khichad or something...

The main villain in this movie was not that bhai character. No sir. That particular honour goes to Ashutosh Gowarikar, the film's director. I still can't say whether he's a good director or not because for me he has such a hit-n-miss record:-

1. Pehla Nasha (1993) - total dabba
2. Baazi (1995) - I remember liking this movie
3. Lagaan (2001) - Just cannot touch this one!
4. Swades (2004) - Enjoyable
5. Jodhaa Akbar (2008) - Havent seen it but people whose opinion I trust say it kinda sucked
6. What's Your Rashee? (2009) - I will pay you not to see it!
7. Khelein Hum Jee Jaan Sey (2010/11) - This movie stars Abhishek Bachchan. And I'm gonna punt here and say that flop hone wala hai. Khoon mein likh ke deta hoon. Come back here when it releases and tell me it wasn't so!

I have long suspected this guy's skills as a director and I'll tell you why. You gotta discount any project with Aamir Khan in it coz he is such a perfectionist that he will get all the flaws in the script taken care of before the movie is shot. Secondly there is that urban legend that AK ghost-directs all his movies. Swades has the starpower of Shahrukh and he was quite restrained in the film too which was a good change from the usual k-k-k-krap. I'm not sure why Jodhaa Akbar did well... maybe it was the lead pair. But then for whatever inexplicable reasons, retarded movies like Masti and Singh is King have also set the boxoffice on fire in the past. I'm still waiting to be convinced Mr. Gowariker...

PISS OFF ELEMENT:-

Man where do I even begin??!! There's way too many so I'll just pick one... or three. Harman's accent. All over the freakin' place... The lousy camera work. There were some shots in there which even a lay movie watcher like me could point out as obviously flawed. Oh and that awful 'Suu Che' song. Gujju people - I love y'all. You have given this world great things like The Mighty Thepla, that saving grace of a snack which has rescued me from hunger pangs many a night after drunken binges and returning home to find no regular food in the fridge. (On a side, Gujju people have perfected the art of making seemingly healthy looking and sounding junkfood. Good on ya!)
I digress but pls please pleasseeee do not dignify this song by dancing to it at your dandiyas and what-not.

NICE COMMENT:-

I know in my PSA I mentioned that a nice comment must be written no matter how bad the movie. For this I can't. Period.

RATING:-

* - Ughh I can't do half a star but 0.5/5 it is for this atrocious 'film'. The half star is for Priyanka btw. You know I always recommend bad movies to people to watch while drinking a few or smoking up coz it's just hysterically funny because it's so bad. Can't subject anyone I like with this movie.


Coming soon!
Kurbaan and The Brothers Bloom

The most clichéd dialogues of old Bollywood

This one I have wanted to do for a long time now. There are plenty of posts out there in Blogosphere with classic Hindi cinema dialogues ala Tumhara naam kya hai Basanti? But this post is dedicated to the corniest ones that used to be the staple in almost every movie one saw from the mid-60s to the mid-80s. You know the gems I'm talking about...
More will keep getting added as they come in. Let's kick off with those two medico-religious ones...

~ Inhe ab davaa ki nahi... dua ki zaroorat hain.
~ Ab sab upar wale ke haath mein hain...

~ Rajesh/Ashok/Vijay, main tumhare bacche ki maa bannewali hoon... (notice that Rajesh/Ashok/Vijay who knocked up the women back then are the Rahul/Raj/Rohan of today)

Bunch of legal ones...

~ Bhaagne ki koshish mat karo... Tumhe charon taraf se police ne gher liya hai (btw in Bollywood police is pullis)
~ Kanoon ke haath bahut lambe hai
~ Rajesh/Ashok/Vijay, kanoon ko apne haat mein mat lo!
~ Gawaaoon key bayaanat aur saboot ko madde nazar rakhtey, Taz-e-raat-e-hind, dafaa 302 ke tahet, muzrim ko sazaaye maut di jaati hai. (my personal favourite... why don't they use Taz-e-raat-e-Hind anymore??!! Sadness...)
~ To be hanged until death. (the Angrezi extension that the cooler movies back then tacked onto the previous dialogue)
~ Muzrim ko baa izzat bari kiya jaata hai.

~ Ab hum kisi ko muh dikhaane ke layak nahin rahe
~ Kya issi din ke liye tujhe paal pos ke bada kiya tha?
~ Yeh sab tumhare laad pyaar ki wajah se hua hai. (the mum's always getting tonked with this one)
~ Aaji sunti/sunte ho... Arri oh bhaagwaan... (two lines quite often used by Asit Sen)
~ Chhod do mujhe, Bhagwaan ke liye chhod do (the pre-rape classic followed by dupatta on the fan or candle flame going out)
~ Agar Maa ka doodh piya hai to saamne aa. (usually Dharampaaji is the one extolling the virtues of breast milk)
~ Ek phooti kaudi nahin doonga! (that infamous ouster-from-the-inheritance line)
~ Abbe Chapprganju (Shotgun Shatru special)
~ Boss... maal pakda gaya! (Notice that the dude delivering the news is usually a scrawny looking fuck and more often than not is bitchslapped or worse by the boss)
~ Ghar mein do do jawan betiyaan hain...
~ Aaj Pinky/Sweety/Dolly ka janam din hai (the actress had the most cloying of names)
~ Tumhaari maa hamare kabze mein hai (this later started including other female family members like behen and biwi)
~ 10 lakh lekar puraney killey (also Versova beach / Madh Island / Hanumaan mandir) par pahunch jao
~ Warna usse Bum se uda denge (finally a use for the explosive flatulence from all that villainous living)




MORE WHEN I COME ACROSS THEM...

2012... Time to Die!

This is going to be a short review coz let's face it... I really cannot have my vitriol wasted on a decent English (hell... or even a half decent one in any other language for that matter) film when there is so much wrist-slashing fare being dished up by apun ka Bollywood (ooh ooh... website of same name is a m-a-d resource for Bollywood music).

REVIEW:-

There's a Mayan prophesy (or some similar jazz) that foretells the end of the world in the year 2012. That coupled with the discovery of Earth's core melting and doing all sorts of nasty things to us folks on the top side within a finite time frame lead to various governments taking steps to handle the situation.
Jackson Curtis (John Cusack) is a struggling writer who supplements his income by running a limo service for the rich. On a camping trip with his kids in Yellow Stone Park, he bumps into Charlie (Woody Harrelson) who tells him doomsday is upon them and the U.S government knows about it but obviously is not revealinng this to the people. Charlie broadcasts all of this and more over his conspiracy theory radio show. Once Jackson gets back to the city, there are more and more incidents which occur that lead him to believe what Charlie told him about the upcoming doomsday.
Anyway to cut a long story (at almost 180 mins long) short, Jackson, his kids and his ex-wife played by Amanda Peet (I love you... Marry me!) and her new boyfriend escape via plane to China where they manage to sneak onboard an Ark. These vessels (which was the master plan btw) were created for various governments around the world to help save 400,000 people who'd then help rebuild Earth so to speak.
Major disasters pepper the entire length of the movie at the end of which the Earth does get fucked and the people on-board the Arks survive.

Roland Emmerich, the director, is also the man behind biggies like Godzilla, Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow. Now I liked the last two (having seen Godzilla only in bits and peices) especially I Day. The problem with the disaster genre is that there's only so much you can do. Boom, Bang, Crash! Admittedly Emmerich did well in the FX department which really has been the hallmark of most of his movies. But at the end of the day merely FX is not good enough. Sam made an interesting point about I Day. He said the reason why I Day did so well was that besides the FX, the human element really worked in that movie. Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum really were two characters which made that movie totally fun to watch. In 2012 however most of that interplay between characters in missing and when they did try some, it kinda fell flat on its face. All in all this movie is worth a watch if you liked Day After Tomorrow which again suffered from the same problem. Great effects but not enough drama.

John Cusack did alright as the geek author though methinks he probably went into this project wanting to do something different. The scientist played by Chiwetel Ejiofor was sincere and convincing although that last scene with him pleading with the other heads of state seemed too cliched. Woody Harrelson as the cooky Charlie Frost was good for a few giggles. The rest of the cast were ho hum going about the usual disaster movie scenes spouting the usual dialogues.
Good to see Danny Glover after a while on the big screen. I don't know if it was just me but there was atleast 5 instances in the movie where he could have said, "I'm too old for this shit..."
Roland - I'm free for dialogue consultation on your next.

PISS OFF ELEMENT:-

It has to be the atrocious accent of Jimi Mistry playing the part of the Indian astro-physicist. Yes, we Indians have an accent (and by God I am trying to eradicate the worst parts of mine) but fuck! he sounded like Apu on steroids.

NICE COMMENT:-

The visual effects were the high point of the film for sure. It might have started to getting boring at some points but there's no denying the FX team credit for a job well done.
Also the chick who played Jimi Mistry's wife, Agamdeep something... cute!

RATING:-

**.5 - Will give this one 2.5/5 and at the same time tell you it is a watch for the big screen.

Dil Bole Hadi-BARFFFFF

There's 2 hours and 15 minutes of my life I am not going to get back. OK to be fair, this movie actually could have been better than it eventually turned out to be. I am quite the fan of sports movies and well this one tried to be one of those funny rom-coms Hollywood actively churns out. Unfortunately pretty much everyone in this enterprise did their best (and succeeded) in fucking things up.

REVIEW:-

Veera (Rani Mukherjee) is a cricket nut who prays to Sachin and dreams of being the next Kapil/Gavaskar/Sachin of India. She is knowing for belting sixers at the drop of a helmet. There's some cricket tournament with the dubious name of Aman Cup. Dubious I say because the tourney is played between India and Pakistan but the way the two team owners and players go about it, that game of cricket might as well be some kind of followup to '71 and Kargil. After having their asses handed to them 9 times in a row (no.. they weren't playing at Sharjah), Indian Tigers owner Anupam Kher calls in reinforcements in the form of his estranged son, Rohan (Shahid Kapoor) to try and make the squad into a bunch of Giant killers. (Oh yeah... the team is called Pakistan Giants or something... fuck cares if that ain't accurate).

There is the mandatory meeting of the boy and girl where each succeeds in pissing off the other and the audience even more with their 'cutesy' mix of English, Hindi and Punjabi. So then Rohan goes about selecting the team. By virtue of a pagdi, some truly fake looking facial hair and some atrocious looking pullshots, Veera who turns into Veer Pratap gets a place in the squad. In the meantime Rohan starts fallin for Veera (man... its would have been interesting if he'd fallen for Veer!) after one song at the family's Baisakhi function. More pseudo and 'cutesy' romance follows with the lead pair doing a mash-up of Heer Ranjha and DDLJ.

Headups you stupid fucks at Yashraj - I love DDLJ as does most of this country. It is truly one of Hindi cinema's brightest moments and am proud to have been part of this generation which got to experience its magnum opus the way my folks got to do it with Sholay. But don't, Don't, DON'T shove it down our throats in all of your movies. Every Yashraj film does not to have to be the snooze button on DDLJ. You are killing the fun of inserting it as a romantic/funny/nostalgic element by putting it in every goddamn production of yours!

OK so then love shuv ho jaata hai... The following day 'the match' happens. Mid way through the match Rohan discovers (through the worst looking contact lens I have ever seen) that Veer Pratap possesses a vagina. The thought of his opening partner not needing a groin guard is too much for him to bear, so he starts bowling like crap and the Paki team ends up making a massive total.
Rohan and Veera have this showdown in the strangely empty bathroom of the dressing room, where he tells her to bugger off and decides to win the match with one wo/man short. The Indian team loses 9 wickets and then Rohan decides after a mid-pitch consultation with his pops to let Veera in to play.

Yup... thats the target for the Indians when their lone hope walks onto the crease. Since we all know what the outcome of the match is going to be, if you're cricket fan, I know you're either A) Shaking your head and grinning B) Giggling hysterically or C) Grabbing tissues coz you peed yourself laughing.

Anyway, Veera accomplishes the deed despite a broken (!!) arm coz y'know he/she bats left and right handed. Then her identity is revealed to which the Paki players say "Yeh cheating hai..." not "oh shit... we got our asses handed to us by a gurrrl." Anway after a barf inducing speech about euality of gender and women's rights and such like, the whole stadium erupts into applause. As do the audience coz the damn movie is f-i-n-a-l-l-y over!

Shahid Kapoor - I think he wanted to present himself to Yashraj as the next-gen Shahrukh. Very mediocre acting.

Rani Mukherjee - Probably the better of the two leads, she too did some overacting but saala story hi aisa hai then what's a guy/girl to do.

PISS OFF ELEMENT:-

It was really difficult to pick one. I'd have to say the dialogues really really ruined it for me. I might have hated this movie less if it had been a silent film.

NICE COMMENT:-

Anupam Kher was the only actor for me who didnt screw up but then he is a veteran of these jovial Dad roles. I'll confess I have a thing for Sherlyn Chopra and it's right here between my... seeing her in those totally slutty outfits made up for that kinda weird accent, her inane dialogues and bad acting.

RATING:-

* - I'm going with 1/5 only because this movie had some potential.

Coming Soon...

What's Your Rashee?

Blue

Acid factory

Luck

and more!

Intermission

Right... so it seems I am not going to be able to start this blog on a good note. As you may have noticed, the origins of this blog go as far back as February this year. I just haven't had the time or the inclination to get this blog going. However over the last few weeks, the so-called cinema I have seen just made it impossible for me to not vent about it in a public forum.

A bit of backstory here to help you understand my state of mind. Me and Sam (who will also give his vishesh tipni across this blog) occasionally will subject ourselves to some of those typical movies you see on Zee Cinema, SET Max, Filmy and other such channels. Now you have to understand we watch movies which feature Dharam paaji, Jumpin' Jeetu, Mithunda and the like. So we know what we're in for. But over the past many months we have also watched movies by today's film makers and we think the latter movies make the former look like cinematic masterpieces.

It's time to fuck the case of these dumbasses who wasted my time and money show these folks the error of their ways.

Let the show begin!